Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Only Dating to Marry: Foreign Men versus Chinese Women

There are no ifs or buts about it; Chinese women, at least those in their late twenties or older, date to marry, period. If you did not know this when you entered the Chinese dating world, then you may have to rethink your dating strategy, especially if you’re still not sure if a Chinese wife is what you really desire or if you’re ready for a long-distance relationship, no matter how short a term it may be. You will also have to take into consideration how Chinese women approach dating, even when you’re 100 percent sure that you want a Chinese wife.

Chinese women take dating as seriously as they take marriage. So if you are certain about and committed to finding a Chinese wife, then you are on the same page as the Chinese women who are certain about and committed to finding a foreign husband. At the same time, you must also remember that despite the fact that you have the same goals, you do not have the same attitude/approach that these women have toward reaching the said goal.

More specifically, Chinese women do not find it necessary to date several potential partners so they can find out with whom they are most compatible, to whom they are most attracted, and/or who is the most ideal mate and provider.

And although many Chinese women nowadays also desire love in their marriage, the “love” is, more often than not, influenced/shaped by the standards by which she measures the suitability of a man as a life partner. That being said, a Chinese woman’s standards when dating are not merely “dating standards” but are actually “marriage potential standards.”

Of course, most foreign men searching for love and their ideal Chinese wife also have their own “marriage potential standards.” Many of these men also take the dating part of the process very seriously – that is to say, even though they may choose to meet and date several Chinese women before making the very important and life-changing decision, this choice does not make them less committed to their long-term goal or less honest about their intentions.

Some women of China may see and even appreciate the practicality of such an approach, but they will still consider it unacceptable practice, especially for themselves. You may meet some who are more understanding of where you’re coming from and appreciate your honesty; but for the most part, the Chinese women you are going to meet will refuse to “participate” in your “selection process” and simply move on.

They also go through their own “selection process” without having to actually date several men in order to make a more informed decision. Right off the bat, they “weigh the potential” as a husband of several men (if there are several to choose from, which is often the case with Chinese online dating) based on their set of standards (which is mostly influenced by traditional perceptions) made up of observable and quantifiable elements, and they choose the one (often the first one they come across) who meets these standards, or the one who surpasses everybody else in terms of meeting the standards and of the degree of connection she may have formed with him from their initial exchanges.

Once they have made their choice, and given, of course, that their choice has reciprocated, they already have an expectation of marriage, and that is the time when they invest time and effort to get to know the man on a deeper level. For all intents and purposes, Chinese dating, even when it’s online dating, is a direct route to marriage for Chinese women; there are no detours, leisurely or otherwise.

How should a foreign man handle such tricky circumstances? If you believe in the practicality and effectiveness of your approach of dating several Chinese women before making a decision, especially if you intend to first meet her in person before deciding if she’s the one and fully committing to marriage in the near future, how will you reconcile this “flexible” approach with a Chinese woman’s more fixed ways?

With as much honesty as you can. You will definitely risk losing the interest of a woman who may have great potential as a wife if you tell her that you intend to meet/date other women; but your other option is to keep your “other activities” to yourself, which may be perceived as deception when they are found out. The most effective way to handle this is to, at least, make sure that the Chinese woman you are interested in knows what to expect – that you want to get to know her better first.

After a few weeks, you may want to let her know where things stand, whether you feel if the “relationship” is worth pursuing further or not. And you do have to be ready to make a decision about how you want things to proceed. Just remember to be fair to the women you are getting to know and not to lead them on if it’s taking you a while to narrow down your choices. You have to give them a chance to also explore other options, the way you are exploring yours.

Just as you would want Chinese women to respect your choice of approach to selecting a life partner, so should you respect theirs. Discover tons of great information about Chinese women and Chinese dating on the blogs, magazine and forum of (the home of safe Chinese dating), where international men and Chinese women share their life experiences and bare their souls to give you the real goods on love, cross-cultural relationships, and all things Chinese.


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